Wait. Take that back. Nathan tells Jack that it was his own fault he was in danger, but then he goes to the confessional room and launches the first of many screeds against Alison. Nathan's inability to understand that he's in a game for half a million dollars is the running theme of Tuesday night's (Aug. 12) episode of "Big Brother 4."

Former FBI man Jack is philosophical, though you just know he wants to stick matches under Nathan's fingernails and use jumper cables on certain other parts of his anatomy.

Jee is especially proud of how resilient the Three Stooges have proven to be. He speaks of their 360 degree recovery (the second person in the house this season to offer this particular grain of circular reasoning), though he's quickly corrected and agrees that it was a 180 degree turn they did.

"Nathan is being the biggest frickin' baby, it isn't even funny," Alison aptly points out. She's no great shakes either, but at least she understands that she's in the house to win a large sum of money and not just to look like a tool on national television.

Drama queen Nathan continues to lament the erosion of his initial alliances and his loss of innocence. Nobody ever told him that the world contained the capacity for such betrayal and he had no idea that somebody on a reality show would ever lie. Rob from "Survivor: The Amazon" would be using this guy as a puppet in seconds. Heck, criminal mastermind Heidi would be playin' Nathan like a Jenga set.

The episode goes off into one of those badly integrated digressions that are supposed to reveal shocking things about our favorite housemates. Jee, it turns out, showers and brushes his teeth. Regularly. What a hygienic freak.

Justin knows all about Jee's cleanliness habits because he seems to clean only by proxy. He pays close attention to Jee's dental deviations and to his showering silliness because he can't be bothered to do those menial chores himself. He doesn't do laundry. He doesn't really bath. And he has a raunchy pair of shorts.

Meanwhile...

"If I wouldn't have saved your freakin' ass, you would have been back in Pennsylvania," Nathan opines. He goes on quickly so that Alison doesn't challenge him to find Pennsylvania on a map. "It was all in vain. It was pointless."

With his plaintive moan of "Woe is me," Nathan is becoming a debauched Tennessee Williams spinster. I'm not making any implications about his sexuality, incidentally, but every time he mourns his wasted youth and the betrayal of the cruel opposite gender, I keep desperately wanting somebody to toss a mint julep in his face.

The show's producers have a vapid sense of dramatic irony and they cut to the housemates discussing how they wish they had a newspaper.

"I miss the news. I like to know what's going on out there," Nathan says.

"Oh, who am I kidding?" He doesn't add. "I just miss Garfield. That cat loves lasagna."

Then there follows a lengthy discussion where Erika, Nathan and Alison agree what a great man Kobe Bryant is and how he's "the coolest cat" and "classy" and "a family person." So basically the show's editors are mining laughs from the fact that the housemates don't know that Kobe Bryant has been charged with sexual assault. That's a strange sense of humor, guys. Weren't there any moments where the housemates mocked Bob Hope?

The luxury competition involves unattractive bathing suits and foam. Cloaked in bubbles, the housemates have to strip out of their suits, find letters in their trunks and spell a word. In the forgiving foam, much groping and ogling is going on in addition to the challenge. Periodically computer-generated foam is necessary to cover the girls and their naughty bits.

"I see boobies," Nathan giggles.

"The goal of the competition is to look at three naked women," Jack says. "And, um, I succeeded."

We like Jack. He may be a bit of a lech, but he tells it like it is.

They win laundry service. Everybody is happy for Justin and the diminished smell.

"Jun, we went tush hunting today and I got you," Jack tells her. "I got your ass today real good."

After the celebration of the flesh, the day's highlight is the arrival of Subway sandwiches.

"We get Subway for three days," Jack notes. "And I say, 'Hurray, damn, hell for that.'"

The Veto Challenge takes place on a giant Corridor board. Primitive animation and cheesy sound effects show the rules of the game, which the housemates have been practicing all day except for when they've been talking about how neat it is that they all wear so little clothing. This is the time of the week where we see that every contestant really wants to win the Veto.

Rob, Jun and Justin gang up on Nathan, preventing him from winning the Veto and saving himself. He responds by calling them pansies. He continues to hold out hope that Alison might win and decide to save him and he responds by becoming the most annoying backseat Corridor player ever, kibitzing his way around the board, but Jee (with Erika's help) knocks Alison out. Nathan spits in general dissatisfaction. Rob wins, but it hardly matters.

Back in the main room, the Stooges return to self-congratulation and agree that someday history will fondly remember their achievements, that bards will write poems in their praise and Elton John will commemorate their ultimate passing in song.

Alison makes a half-hearted attempt to convince the Stooges to save Nathan and then tries to cuddle with her boy toy, their spooning interrupted by Little Mr. Perfect Nate, From Little Mr. Perfect Oklahoma (Alison would have to explain what this particular term of endearment means), who rages, "Have a nice life."

He takes his ball and goes home, a petulant 11-year-old trapped in a bland twentysomething's body.

Nathan's last ditch idea is get into bed with Jun to suggest that it would be smart to take Jack off and put Alison up next. Nathan is so proud of himself that he turns to the camera with a big smile and gives the American people a thumb's up.

At the Veto meeting, Jack and Nathan offer the usual bland pleasantries on why they should be kept around, but to no avail. Rob opts not to use his power.

Who will be evicted tomorrow night? If it's Nathan, we'll say, "Hurray, damn, hell for that."